I needed this laugh 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
i鈥檓 sure it鈥檚 fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
shaved my legs in case there鈥檚 someone hot and single aboard the ufo
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.