Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
And that about sums it up.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.