After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
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[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.