After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
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Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
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flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Bootstraps
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[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT