My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
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Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
At Walmart during the holidays like..
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS