911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
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By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story