My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
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Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
⛄️
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?