My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
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Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.