My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
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Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.