Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
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A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.