It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
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My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
San Francisco has too many rules
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.