I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
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The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.