Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
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Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended