[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
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♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.