The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.