Somebody needs to get my shit together.
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
handsome & gretel
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day