Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
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I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
At an art museum and I thought this was art
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Hero horse inspires millions
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I would like even faster food.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup