I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
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Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I bet birds love this building.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.