9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
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Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday