For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
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Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
New tinder profile pic
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees