*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
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Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
“you changed” bro i was 15
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?