@david8hughes

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

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@LostFelicia

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

@osoplain

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

@weinerdog4life

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

@lmegordon

1st snow: let’s play in the snow!

2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.

3rd snow: let’s move.

@PaperWash

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

@urmumsausername

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

@nevernicethings

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

@flashember

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

@envydatropic

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election