The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

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Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.


I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic


You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that


1st snow: let’s play in the snow!

2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.

3rd snow: let’s move.


Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife


2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic



She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.


Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.


Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election