Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
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ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Meow
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket