I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
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Sunday
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Sharon I have some bad news
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO