Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.