Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
You Might Also Like
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
live long and prosper!
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.