It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
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I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.