me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!