Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
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Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.