I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?