I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
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Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
who will stop them
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.