Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
me doing my best
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.