THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
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MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
i wish we could shoplift online
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it