i wish we could shoplift online
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ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?