BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
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Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries