My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
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Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
These 3D printers are insane!
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.