Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
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if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Never be a pizza!
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges