Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?