The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
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MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Cheer up.
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Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”![]()
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When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
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Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Peter Parker Peter Driver
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Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.