The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
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It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
wish me luck lads
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Guantanamo Bae
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope