[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
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If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
The pen is writier than the sword.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.