Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
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I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?