i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
You Might Also Like
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
The photographer’s assistant
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.