I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
You Might Also Like
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
This makes total sense…
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.