I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
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*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
What even happened today?
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you