*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
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My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.