oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
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Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Dolls on drugs
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me