If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
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I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”