Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
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Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Stop sending me this shit.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka: