I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
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exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.