[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
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My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Friends that check up on you >
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.