I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
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Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
This forever.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”