A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
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Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
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ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.