A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
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I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Autocorrect completely socks
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Europe. Made in Germany.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be