Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
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So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
No regrets in 2018
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
🤣🤣🤣
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.